When There is Darkness, There is Light
by Starr123
Summary: When Sahira is faced with the prospect of a life threatening illness, can the people around her help her before it's too late?
1. when my world is falling apart

**So, this is my first Holby fic! After reading so many great ones I thought that I'd have a crack at one myself :) all feedback is welcome,**

**Thanks! Freya xo**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. All rights are reserved to the BBC. **

She had known that it would be bad news. From the moment that she had walked through the door and into the consultation room. From the look on the consultants face as she sat down into one of the hard, hospital chairs. She could recognise that look anywhere and was extremely familiar with it as she had to wear it nearly every day when giving out bad news herself.

And now, as she walked away from the man on the opposite side of the desk all she could hear was his words ringing in her ears: "I'm so sorry." But was he really? Surely after the amount of times he'd had to say those words over his career the meaning would simply begin to fade into a formality. Sahira had caught herself many times before, quickly remembering _why_ she was saying those three little words and then the depth and feeling would return to her voice and the relatives would believe that she could understand what they were going through.

But the man sitting behind the desk in the office that she had just vacated knew _nothing _about how she could possibly be feeling after what she had just been told. How could he?

She hugged herself; thoughts and images swimming in front of her eyes. Her years at medical school gave her a better understanding than most of what would happen next but right now she couldn't process anything – couldn't even accept the possibility. Her career, husband, children, friends all entered her mind but soon slipped away as the only thing that she could focus on was herself at this moment in time. Sahira knew that it was selfish of her, to not think about the other people that this would affect too and to only concentrate on herself but at this moment it was all she could do.

Her feet had been leading her towards safety even when her mind was occupied with her danger. The view of Darwin suddenly entered her vision as her mind was brought back to the present.

"Ms Shah?" came a voice from behind her. She turned and found Oliver Valentine walking towards her, armed with files and scans. "I need your opinion on my patient with Endocarditis – Ms Shah, are you alright?" He scanned her face, which was silently streaming with tears. She hadn't even realised that she was crying. "Do you need me to get someone? Mr Douglas perhaps?" he pressed.

"No, I'm fine Ollie, really," she replied, her voice thick and heavy with her emotion, "Could get Ms Naylor to look at your case, I need a moment to myself."

Oliver watched her go, unsure how he should proceed. She had said that she wanted to be alone but the empty look in her eyes worried him. His mind set, he went in search of help, looking for any of the doctors who could give him the right advice of what he should do. He saw Ms Naylor finish with her patient and make her way to the nurses' station, but he decided against her. The whole of Darwin knew the difficulties that lay between the two women and now was not the time to test their new tolerance of each other. No, it was Mr Douglas that he needed right now.

"Ms Naylor? I was wondering if you knew where Mr Douglas was?"

She stared at him, "No. I don't. And you shouldn't be wondering either – _I'm_ your mentor, not him. I suggest that you concentrate on making sure your sutures are absolutely perfect for the mechanical value I want you to implant into Mr Collings later today."

"Yes, of course," he replied, trying not to lose her attention to one of the registrars, "but I need to speak to Mr Douglas now!"

Jac opened her mouth to reply when they heard a cheerful whistling coming around the corner, "Did someone say that they needed to speak to me?" Greg appeared with his childish grin.

Ollie sighed in relief, "Yes: me! I need a favour from you quickly." And before Jac could pull him away Oliver dragged Greg towards the consultants' office where he had seen Sahira disappear into.

"Dr Valentine, is everything alright?"

"No. I mean yes it is with me, but it's Ms Shah, she's in there crying. She said she wanted to be alone but..." Ollie trailed off, hoping that Greg would understand. Thankfully he did and he was inside the office before Oliver could finish.

Greg didn't know what to expect when he entered the office. Obviously he had seen women cry before but not anyone quite like Sahira. She was always so calm and collected about things so he was taken by surprise when he saw her hunched up on Elliot's sofa, looking so small and lost.

"Sahira?" he said softly, going over to her and kneeling beside her, "What's the matter?"

She shook her head slowly. So slowly in fact that Greg had to really focus on her to make sure that it was her reaction. "Please Sahira, talk to me."

She kept her eyes fixed on the floor while the tears continued to steadily flow from them. Greg sighed and left the room. At once, Ollie was at his side, his eyes questioning Greg.

"I'm going to page someone who can help," Greg said, "I can take it from here, thanks Oliver."

Inside the office, Sahira could hear the faint mumble of voices outside the door but she didn't care what they were saying. She felt sick and her heart felt like a thorn as it beat inside her chest, seeming to punch her internally with every movement. She heard the door open quietly and the footsteps of someone coming over to her but she didn't look up. Sahira didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment; she just wanted peace.

And then it came. The voice that always made her feel safe. The voice that had made everything better before in the past:

"Sahira?" Henrik Hanssen said gently.


	2. that's when I look at you

**That's When I Look At You**

Hanssen had had a terrible day. First, he'd had to deal with Terrence Cunningham complaining about the upstorm of Darwin closing down. He had little patience for the man as he'd brought it on himself. The closure of Darwin was a good thing for the hospital but Hanssen still didn't want it to be shut as he knew that many people would be deeply upset by it – a certain person especially. Then his patient with a collapsed lung had a sudden dip in blood pressure and he was unable to bring it back up. A perfectly straightforward procedure performed on an otherwise healthy man yet the life was still taken. It was days like today where Henrik felt the gloominess seep into everything that was touched.

He had been finishing one of his many surgical reports for the CEO when his pager had gone off in his pocket. The consuming silence had been broken by the relentless bleeping of the device and he read, _Cardiac Arrest, __**Darwin Ward.**_

Immediately he pushed his paperwork away from him and hurried out of the door and to the ward.

As he strode towards the desk he found Mr Douglas blocking his way, a shifty expression on his face.

"Where's the arrest Mr Douglas?"

"About that Mr Hanssen," Greg replied, using all the Irish charm he could muster "There isn't actually a cardiac arrest on the ward –"

"Then would you please explain to me, Mr Douglas, why I have been summoned here to Darwin to assist with an _urgent _cardiac arrest?"

"It was the quickest way to get you onto the here-"

"Mr Douglas! These pagers are not _toys!_ They are to be used with the upmost deliberation when a colleague is needed!" Henrik glared at Greg. He wouldn't let on what a fool the other man had made him feel like.

"Ah, but you are needed Mr Hanssen, so, in your terms I might add, I have actually used my pager correctly." Pleased at his witty reply, Greg stood with a proud look on his face. Hanssen's tolerance of the man was wearing thin and the smug expression threatened his cool composure so he quickly turned on his heel and began to walk away.

"No, wait!" Greg called after him but Hanssen didn't stop. There was no way that he would resume his conversation with the man after the jokes he'd made on his expense. "It's Sahira!" That made him stop. He deliberated for a moment whether it was another ploy to get him to Darwin or whether there was actually something the matter. He wished that he could continue to walk away; his demeanor still intact. But his care for Sahira was all too much and he found himself turning back to Mr Douglas and questioning him. "What do you mean?"

"She's in the consultants' office crying. I've tried to talk to her but she isn't responding. She's in a bad way Mr Hanssen."

Without another word, he strode past Greg and into the office. In there, the blinds had been shut and only a few rays of light had managed to squeeze themselves through the gaps, leaving bright streaks to show their path. Henrik blinked a couple times to adjust his eyes and then he managed to make out the small shape of Sahira sitting on the sofa. She had her head bent down slightly and the tear tracks on her face were clearly visible by the reflection of the light. She did not look up when he entered – her eyes not even moving to see the person coming to check on her.

Hanssen walked over to her, "Sahira?" he said calmly and clearly. At the sound of his voice she moved her gaze to his face and was slightly shocked at the amount of concern in his features. "What's the matter?"

She shook her head slowly, still keeping her eyes locked on his. "Please, Sahira, I need to know what's wrong," he stated, this time not a question. Again she shook her head; her eyes were squeezed shut as if trying to block everything out.

"Has something happened with one of your patients?"

"Leave me alone Henrik."

"Have you done something illegal perhaps?" She opened her eyes and stared at him with this question. He saw some of her old defiance return to her eyes, "Henrik, of all the time you've known me have I _ever _even considered doing something illegal to jeopardise my patients?" He smiled at that: even when she was in the middle of dark, her ability to stick to the light shone through.

"Then what is it? Please enlighten me."

"I can't-"

"-can't or won't," he interjected. His face was straight and no emotion was shown. He wanted so badly to set himself down on the sofa and hold her until her tears dried, but once again his own mind was against his deepest wishes.

"Nothing is so badly broken that it cannot be fixed Miss Shah.."

"Henrik, please, just leave me alone!"

"No!" he outburst suddenly, his voice loud and commanding, "I will not leave you alone until you tell me what the hell has happened to get you into such a state!"

Their eyes connected and Sahira felt all her fighting energy seep out of her and her shoulders visibly sagged in defeat. Forcing her eyes to stare into Hanssen's she said quietly, "I have cancer Henrik."

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think!<strong>

**- Freya xo**


	3. and I know i'm not alone

**I'm so sorry that I haven't updated this in over a month! Hopefully I'll be able to get chapters up more quickly now that I'm not quite so busy (: **

**Sdbubbles – The chapter titles are from that song! I love it too (:**

**Misery-loathes-company – Haha yes! I get that quite a lot as all my friends and I are all Merlin fans :D**

* * *

><p><span>And I know I'm not alone<span>

_Forcing her eyes to stare into Hanssen's she said quietly, "I have cancer Henrik."_

The words echoed in his mind. Replaying over and over, trying to find a way to sink in – to be accepted. His usual guard melted from his face and the pure shock shone through for Sahira to see. He couldn't help it, he didn't want her to see, but there was no way to stop it.

"Say something Henrik," she said quietly. He reached up and gently brushed away the tears from her cheeks, "Do not be scared," he said simply.

She stared at him for a few seconds as his words registered, then she let out a laugh, but it didn't reach her eyes like it usually did. "How can I not be scared Henrik? How can _you _tell me not to be scared? You don't know what I'm going through! You haven't just been told that the pain you've been trying to bear is due to a large, growing tumour! How can you tell me not to be scared!"

Henrik let her finish without interruption, knowing that she needed to let out her fears. It also allowed him to gain information from her without pressing her for answers. From her tone, he deduced that the cancer was fairly advanced and serious. He stared down at her small form. She was breathing quickly, and her breath was catching in her chest.

"Does your husband know?"

She hesitated for a moment and looked over his shoulder before meeting his eyes once more, "Yes, of course."

"Sahira."

"I want to be alone Henrik."

"No you don't," he replied calmly. She had forgotten that he knew her so well and could always tell when she was lying. "Why haven't you told you husband?"

"Please Henrik, I don't mean to be rude but just leave me alone!" Sahira said loudly.

At that moment, the door burst open and Jac appeared. She blinked at the darkness in the room as her eyes quickly adjusted to see Sahira and Henrik sitting on the sofa together.

"Sorry to interrupt Mr Hanssen but I have Sir Fraser on the phone and he wishes to speak with you urgently," she said, looking over Sahira's puffy eyes'.

"I'm a quite busy at the moment Ms Naylor. Tell him that I shall speak with him later," Henrik replied sharply.

"I already have, but he says that it is extremely important that you speak with him now – it's about the FT status."

Henrik sighed, "I shall be with you in a moment Ms Naylor."

Jac nodded and shut the door leaving them in peace once more.

"You'd better go Mr Hanssen, you don't want to keep Sir Fraser waiting," Sahira said quietly avoiding his gaze once more. A part of her was relieved that Jac had just interrupted them and that Henrik was needed somewhere away from her, yet another part felt slightly betrayed that he could even contemplate leaving her to go and deal with hospital business of all things.

"I'm sure he can wait a moment longer. Right now I want you to gather your things together and go home in a taxi – I don't want you driving at the moment. Also, as soon as you get home I want you to inform.. your husband about all of this – he needs to know about all of this. Do you understand me?"

She nodded slowly. Hanssen sighed before getting up off the sofa and making his way towards the office door. His hand rested on the door handle and he turned back towards her, "It's going to be alright Sahira. You'll see."

With no reply he left the office quietly. For a moment Sahira was still, then a lone tear gently rolled down her cheek. She brushed it away. She knew she was weak – she didn't need her emotions to tell her that. Carefully she got up, wincing as a sharp pain shot through her side. She hugged her chest and eventually managed to stand up and look around her. The office was still in darkness with the cracks of light seeping through the gaps of the blinds. She rolled up the blinds allowing the light in and then straightened up the cushions on the sofa, clearing all trace that she had been there.

With a deep breath she left the office. The ward was quiet as it usually was around this time of day. There was a few nurses walking about, carrying out their tasks, and of course Greg.

Greg.

She owed him an explanation. He looked up as she made her way towards him. "Hey," he smiled his usual boyish grin.

"Hey," she replied softly. He looked over her carefully, particularly her face which was now dry from the tears he had witnessed earlier, "Want to talk about it?"

She shook her, "I could do with a hug though."

He laughed and smiled down at her, "Well I think I could stretch to that! Come here." He wrapped his arms around her and Sahira relaxed against his body.

Henrik watched as she seemed to melt into Greg's arms. He had waited for her, knowing that she would emerge from the office only minutes after him, and had been ready to shield her from any awkward questions that may have come her way. But seeing her walk straight into the arms of Mr Douglas, Henrik realised that when she said she'd wanted to be alone – it simply meant that she had not wanted to be with him.

He turned around quietly and walked off the ward.


	4. every breath that I breathe

**Again I am really sorry that I haven't update sooner! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, I love to hear what you think :) hopefully the updates are going to be a lot quicker now **

**- Freya xo**

Every breath that I breathe

Sahira woke up suddenly with a small whimper. She was breathing rapidly and sweat was lightly covering her forehead yet she couldn't have felt more peaceful a few moments earlier. She blinked at her surroundings then the images of her bedroom came into focus and she could feel the shape of her husband behind her. She couldn't remember how she exactly got home last night but she was grateful that she had.

The beeping of her alarm started, signalling for her to wake up – not knowing that she was already awake. Sahira felt her husband stir next to her and rolled over to face him.

"Morning."

"Morning darling, couldn't put the kettle on could you babe? I'm gasping for a cuppa!"

Sahira sighed and had to remind herself that only she – and now Hanssen – knew about her condition and that she was still expected to do everyday tasks for her husband like she normally would. Supporting her chest, she edged off the bed and stood up. From behind her, her husband patted her bum, catching her off guard. Sahira took a sharp intake of breath as the motion jarred her for a second.

"You ok dear?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Must've slept a bit funny that's all." The lie rolled easily off her tongue.

Sahira managed to get to the kitchen, make the tea and pack the children off to nursery without any more pain.

While she waited for her husband to finish in the bathroom she thought about telling him about her cancer. Just spring it on him as he came out of the shower. Writing it in the steam on the mirror. Show him the large, discoloured lump in her breast and let him work it out for himself. However she thought of doing it nothing seemed to fit. How would he take it? Would he care as much as Henrik? He hadn't even noticed anything was wrong. Unlike Greg.

As she heard to shower shut off and her husband step on to the mat, she lost her nerve and hurried back into their bedroom, breathing deeply. Just because Henrik had told her that she must tell him, didn't mean that she had to. This was happening to her which gave her the right to make the decisions, didn't it?

Sahira ran a brush through her hair and tied it up in a bun – trying to make her appearance seem more normal. If she looked fine on the outside then there was a better chance of pretending that everything was alright on the inside. She slipped on the clothes that were lying across her stool, not really caring what they looked like at this hour as she would be changing straight into her scrubs as soon as she reached the locker room anyway.

As she stepped out the bedroom, ready to leave, she was stopped by her husband who at the same time was entering the room.

"You off now?"

"Yes, the children have been collected and there's a tub in the fridge with your lunch in."

"Thank you darling, have a nice day – don't work too hard!" he joked, leaning down to kiss her. She turned her head at the last minute and let his lips fall onto her cheek.

"I've really got to go now, see you later."

She slid around him, ignoring the surprised look in his eyes that would only make her feel guilty. His embrace made her feel that the truth she was hiding from him was all wrong, and that his love for her was still with the person she used to be – who she could never return to. She knew that she had caused the change in their marriage – and there was one, even if he hadn't noticed it yet – but still she did nothing to try and solve it. These thought filled her head as she started up the car and made her way to the hospital.

As she pulled into a parking space she glanced up at one of the windows with a tall figure looking out over the cars. She sighed as she recognised Henrik watching her arrive. Her job had just done a life-swap with her home due to the fact that she could not get away from her illness here anymore. She opened the door and pulled herself out of the car carefully, masking her face from the pain she felt tugging away.

Henrik watched as Sahira arrived in her car. She sat in her car for a few moments before slowly opening her door. He had seen her eyes flicker up towards him and knew that she had notice him observing her. She took her a longer time than normal getting up from her seat, and again Henrik wondered what type of cancer she had. It had been the only thing that he had forgotten to ask her yesterday when she had confessed to him.

Deep in thought, Henrik didn't hear somebody walk up behind him, look over his shoulder and out the window too.

"She's definitely not herself," stated an Irish voice.

"Do you seek to make it your goal to gossip about your colleagues Mr Douglas?" Henrik replied smoothly, without turning around.

"No, I normally pride myself on the opposite actually. But I thought that since you were staring at her, that comment might've been appropriate," Greg replied. Both men were silent for a moment as Sahira entered the building and out of sight.

"Don't you have work to do Mr Douglas? I really don't think you are paid to stand around in corridors now, do you?"

Greg rolled his eyes, "Okay, hint taken!"

Once again alone on the landing, Henrik returned his gaze to the entrance of the hospital, where Sahira no longer was.

He sighed gently, it was going to be a long day.


	5. right there where they belong

**Thank you so much to everyone who read the last chapter and is still following this, my updating has been appalling!**

**Reviews do make me write faster, so let me know what you think! **

**- Freya ox**

Right there where they belong

Sahira entered the locker room, breathing heavily. She was out of breath and exhausted already having only walked up four flights of stairs to get to Darwin. The pain in her breast that had flared up again was constantly reminding her of its presence with a dull ache. She raised a hand tentatively and touched it, feeling the misshapen bulge under the material. Quickly, she withdrew her hand, not wanting to be near the thing that slowly sucking the life she had from her. She wanted to get away from it, to claw it out of her chest, to destroy it so badly that tears began to leak from beneath her eyelids, and gently slide down her cheeks.

This calmed her down. The slow pace and elegance of the tears escaping brought Sahira back into the harsh reality. She couldn't let this win – she wouldn't. She had to be strong, for herself. Never once had she backed down from anything. Not when her parents had told her that she would fail at everything in her life. Not when, after her best efforts, Henrik had told her that her attempts weren't good enough. Not even when she had found out she was pregnant half way through a medical research project with Henrik – the one that he was convinced would make them go down in history together. She smiled to herself at the anger he had had that day, and the intimidation she had felt as he had raged at her. Now, it would've been a completely different story as she felt ready, confident even, to challenge any argument he choose to have with her.

Sahira stood up, and wiped the single tear from her eyes – removing all evidence of its existence. After seeing Henrik watching her arrival from afar she knew that she would have to take extra measures to ensure her behaviour was as normal as possible without letting on to how much pain she was bearing.

She slipped her hand into her holby hoodie pocket and was greeted by a crinkling noise. She pulled out the paper and stared at the leaflet in her hand. _HOW TO COPE WITH YOUR CANCER _stared back at her, along with the image of a women and her family smiling. She must have left it in there when she had returned from oncology after receiving the news. With a sudden burst of aggression, Sahira screwed up the leaflet and chucked it with all her might into her locker before slamming the door shut with a loud bang.

She leant against the metal of the door, instantly regretting her actions. For one, her body was now aching from the overuse of energy and for another, the behaviour was completely out of character of her. This made the realisation even more bitter as unlikely characteristics was a symptom of the thing. Cancer. Not the thing. Cancer. She had to start referring to it as that, the acceptance and therefore treatment would be a whole lot quicker if she did.

The door to the locker room opened and Sahira opened her eyes quickly, but still kept her head pressed against the metal.

There was a pause before, "Everything alright in here?"

"Yes Henrik. Everything is fine!" Sahira turned around to face him with a huge fake smile on her face, which lasted for a few seconds before she dropped her gaze and turned back to her locker.

While rummaging around, trying to buy some time, she knew that Henrik would tell from her sarcasm that she didn't feel like company and that he would take his cue and leave. But then again this was Henrik and his differing ways.

After stalling for as long as she thought was acceptable, Sahira gave up and turned around once again. She was greeted by the sight of Henrik perched on the bench in the corner, obviously waiting for this moment. He rose quickly, seeming to realise that he felt and rightly looked out of place. She muffled a smile as he raised an eyebrow at her, "Something amusing Ms Shah?"

"Not at all Henrik."

"I'm glad to hear so," he strode towards the door and held it open, "Do you feel able to go and face the day now?"

Sahira stared at him for a moment, all set to slam the door shut and have a go at him for suggesting to any colleagues nearby that something was wrong with her. Then after that moment, it dawned on her that Henrik's words were not obvious at all and were cleverly covered up. With his usual ways of talking and his deliberation when speaking, it would seem a simply ordinary question for him to say, albeit a slightly oddly worded one, and yet she would understand the critical meaning to it.

"Yes I think so," she replied. They exchanged a look between them that only lasted a few seconds but held so much depth. The exchange seemed so private that an on-looker would've felt intrusive and moved their gaze away.

Henrik cleared his throat and stepped out the way of the door, "Then continue please Ms Shah."

She nodded and walked past him onto the ward. Without looking back she made her way over to Elliot, who was standing with the files ready to dish out the patients for the ward round. It was as she made her way to the first patient of the day with Greg that Sahira realised that the aching pain in her breast had vanished for the time being.

Maybe it wasn't just the medication that could cure her after all.


End file.
